Let’s be honest, no one likes drama
It is time-consuming, emotionally draining and stressful. At work and at home. Even those who are attracted to it complain about being in it. Imagine what your life would be like if you could eliminate drama altogether?
Most people don’t realize that our fundamental desire is to be seen, heard and understood; personally and professionally. Humans are biologically hardwired to connect with each other. We want and need connection. Strong relationships make us happier, healthier and we actually live longer. When we don’t get the feeling of connection, the feeling of being seen, heard and understood from others then we create it ourselves. We talk at people to be heard. To get focused on being right, wanting to win, at any cost. We react, attempting to connect but what we really are doing is focusing on our needs and wants. In these moments, we have no awareness of others.
We become so determined to be understood that we forget to be understanding
In this reactive state, we are releasing the stress hormone cortisol. Not only does it make it impossible to connect with someone in this state, it also makes us feel bad. We feel stressed, overwhelmed, emotional, stuck and likely blame others for making us feel this way. We get wrapped up in drama.
Drama leads to disconnection. This is a struggle because once we are in it, it feels hard to get out of it. This is a skill we are expected to know how to do and have never been taught. Now the good news is, shifting from disconnection to connection is simpler than you may think. When we are curious in our conversations, this shifts the focus from needing to be understood (drama/disconnection) to understanding others (connection). When we are curious, asking questions to better understand what is going on for others, we are actually in a connected brain state.
We have a heart/mind opening and the feel-good hormones oxytocin/dopamine are released. When we are curious in conversations we are no longer speaking to be heard, we are listening to understand. This is how we learn new thoughts, perspectives, ideas – it is how we inspire and engage. It is also how we collaborate and innovate.
This doesn’t mean you have to agree with what the other person is saying. You don’t even have to like their perspective. However, it does mean that you can understand it. Curious conversations help us build strong, authentic relationships that we all want and crave. It is also how we connect to see, hear and understand each other. The best part is, it feels good too! Literally. This helps you live your life from a place of abundance and joy rather than stress and frustration.
othe next time you find yourself in an emotional, dramatic, disconnected situation –
instead of reacting, take a deep breath and ask an open question to gain understanding. Focus on asking questions that begin with who, what, where, when and how. Then as you listen, keep the focus on the speaker and their needs. Not yours. Ask a second open question to gain even more understanding. As you continue to ask open questions you will feel your emotions start to wash away. Curiosity will allow you to stay in a connected brain state to build your relationships.
You always have a choice in every interaction and conversation to react or respond. Curiosity helps you stay in control of that choice rather than the choice controlling you.
Co-Founder of The Institute of Curiosity, Co-Author of The Power of Curiosity, Communication Ambassador for Wealthy Woman Warrior™
We specialize in high-quality conversations that build high-quality relationships. That means we help people STOP reacting (to people, emotions, events) and learn to start RESPONDING to engage and inspire others, especially in emotional or high stakes situations.